If he's only being nice.
If everyone
All my life
Was only nice;
If they filled me with this
False idea of what I really am,
And what I'm really worth.
I've never been so belittled-
I've never been so devastated.
People always ask me why I am such a defeatist;
Why I-
Would rather give up than try...
But the truth is,
It doesn't matter
How nice I dress-
It doesn't matter
How tall I stand,
How thin I get,
How straight my teeth are,
How pressed my skirt is-
How immaculate my fingernails look;
No one
Ever
Gives me a
Chance.
They see me,
Foolish me-
With
A flower in my hair
That matches my lipstick,
That matches my shoes-
They see-
The unkempt pieces of myself
That no-matter how much I try to
Organize and tame
Never obey.
They see my failures
They sum my worth up in standardized tests
And letter grades
And someday will-
In how much my salary is.
And even then,
When I try to go in for job interviews-
All they will see
Is Jade.
I have tried everything
To force her down;
She is unwanted-
BY EVERYONE
BY society
And now...
By me.
I'm so sick of standing out.
I'm SO SICK of being different!
Maybe...
I want to fit in Academia.
Maybe...
I want to trade in my sequined scarf,
And rugged moccasins,
For a blazer from Banana Republic
And a pair of shiny black high heels.
However-
Even then?
Something would be out of order-
My curls would bounce out of place,
My makeup would smear because I couldn't keep my hands off of it.
My fingernails would chip because I like to play outside.
My book-bag or briefcase would become disorganized...
Or all of the leaves collected from my morning walks would fall out of it
And blow my cover.
I hate Jade.
I've done everything
To rid myself
Of her.
I've done everything...
And they STILL don't take me seriously.
They still-
Think I'm too female,
Too liberal,
Too outlandish,
Too childish,
Too disorganized,
Too rebellious,
Too strange
Too in-experienced
To be given a chance.
"A Christian Community of Faith and Learning"?
More like:
"A Cookie Cutter Institution: Stamping out Faith Due to the Risk of Transcendence Since the Dawn of Time."
"He" is not only being nice. I promise that. And the Jade you hate is the Jade I love. You are a flower, and all that is happening is that this place - that man - is stepping on you, and crushing you. They want you in a pot, and you are growing wildly in the field. They want you tamed and on their shelf, next to their KJV and hymnal. But you refuse, you were made for the wild.
ReplyDeleteSo that is what I love about you. I want to trade everything I have to purchase the field you are growing in so that you are no longer crushed. They don't deserve you. Only those who appreciate you do. They crush dreams - and you are a dreamer. Of course you can't be friends.
And fear not. This is not a "Christian Community of Faith and Learning." This is a "Free Will Baptist Community of Faith and Learning." Much different guidelines, my dear. So fear not. You were never meant to be a potted plant...don't buy into that, and sell yourself out.
I love you.